After a period of time, which seems to vary from relationship to relationship, a couple may feel that the sexual aspect of their relationship has hit a “rut” in which things aren’t as exciting as they once were. This is normal, even in perfectly happy and content relationships. The difference is that a perfectly happy and content couple will actively find ways to grow and explore together, whereas an unhappy couple will wallow in their own unhappiness.
A stagnant or stunted relationship is one in which one person wants to try new things and is continually, constantly rejected and denied by his or her partner. As cliché as it sounds, a relationship is all about compromise, and sex is no exception. No one wants to have stale, boring missionary position sex a couple to a few times a week for the rest of their lives. Why? Because it’s BORING. Granted, some people are just happy they are even having sex, but isn’t the point of healthy relationship to have an enjoyable sex life?
Communicate with each other. Talk about the things you each like and do not like. It may surprise you to learn what your partner’s fantasies are and vice versa. Do not be afraid to share your fantasies. After all, this person has decided to love you and have sex with you. The least your partner can do is entertain your fantasies. However, this goes both ways. Be sure to also entertain your partner’s fantasies. Try not to judge, even if you do not share his or her fantasies. You may surprise yourself and come to some compromise on a fantasy or make suggestions to the tune of “I don’t feel comfortable doing X but how do you feel about Y or Z?” Communication will make both partners very happy in the long term.
Trying new things is a good way to keep a relationship fresh and new. That doesn’t mean that every new adventure will end in spectacular fireworks, but making the effort as a couple is incredibly important. If the new thing didn’t go as planned, don’t be afraid to laugh about it in the moment or after. Who knows, the hot professor and naughty schoolgirl role play may end up with both of you laughing the way you did when you first started dating. But if that’s the worst case scenario, then that’s not so bad.
Trying new things as a couple is an opportunity to grow together. Not just because you’re willing to buy a new toy, dress in fetish wear, or role play some pre-decided scenario, but also because these opportunities allow you to get to know more about one another and further your relationship.
Whenever anyone asks me what I look for in the perfect partner, I always tell them this: I want someone I can laugh with, someone I can love, and someone I have great sexual chemistry with. None of these things are things you can force. They just have to exist naturally between you and your partner.
Some life events will change sex: marriage, work, kids, illness, stress, etc…but at the end of the day, try to make 20, 30, or 45 minutes for you and your partner. It may not be everyday like it used to be when you first started dating or when you were first married. But if it’s at least a few times a week and the sex is enjoyable, then you’ve done your homework. Especially if you can throw in the occasional evening when you can incorporate a fantasy or some kind of sexual play you’d both like to try. Keep an open mind, communicate, and, above all, have fun.