Earlier this week, I tried to commit suicide, twice. I am writing with very limited memory of what happened to me. I also do not wish to have anyone give me wishes, prayers, or feel betters. This is coming from a more factual angle. So, while I appreciate any kind words, at the moment, what I truly need is advice, and help from people who may be able to point me in the right direction for legal matters. As I get older, I am better with actions, than I am with words, and I am still in a place of anger, though I am working through it, and learning how to accept it, and live through it, have tea with it, and stop blitzing my brain out with attempts of suicide. I also need to note this is my own personal experience, I am not speaking for any others who live with this. Every experience is unique, although the symptoms are similar.
In essence, I need legal advice. I live with depression, and I was triggered, I am still looking for the root of this. But as those of us who deal with mental illness know, we do a great deal of ‘shoving things down.’ I started to lose the plot, and cut off all of my hair, I was losing myself, and could feel it. It is a strange feeling to physically experience the departure of self. Shortly after, I went for my stash of readily available pills that the U.S dolls out like PEZ candy. Someone I care for, and love dearly was here, and had hid the pills once she realized I had been triggered. When you are in this state, you are in what I can only describe as ‘tunnel vision’. She became an obstacle to my self destruction. Because of this I became violent with her, in order to obtain the pills. When you are in this state, you do not comprehend, you do not understand, you are functioning on pure adrenaline and rage. I hit her, until she relented to give me what I was trying to reach. She only did this to buy time to call paramedics, I only found this out after the fact. I will not go into too much detail from her end, as she has documented the witnessing of the event.
Once I had the bag of pills, I opened the cap and starting eating them. I left with the bag, and tried to hide in a park. There I decided to remain, and consume the remainder of an assortment of pills. I remember chewing mouthful, after mouthful. After that I remember becoming thirsty, after this I lose all memory.
After a bit, I remembered convulsions, and spots of men attacking me, and my immediate reaction was to fight, fight violently, hard, and swiftly enough to escape what was happening, which at that point I did not know exactly what that was. Again, blank.
Then more violence, more men on top of me, punching my face, slamming me down. Blank. Move forward, I fall over off of a gurney. Blank. I then fall off the gurney again. Blank. Then the straps, and restraints, in a pose of torture, only my head to move to see people ignoring my pleas for water. The pain was intense. Blank. Then a kind woman, stroking my head, kind eyes, and blank again.
After this, I remember walking on a busy highway, and made my way to a random car dealership looking for water, I was incoherent, and fortunately, she called the cops, as I was making my way back to the busy highway, which is one of the most dangerous ones in Porto, I hear. As I walk towards the highway, I just aim for the cars. Before I made it, the cops arrived, and jumped on me. Again my rage blinded me, and there was once again two men on top of me, violently smashing my head against the back of the car trying to get me into the car. I fought with all of my might, and ended up in the car. Blank.
I then am in a room with two women telling me to sign a paper, I can barely write, I do not know what day it is, or where I am, what is happening. I write. Blank. I then remember someone waking me up and telling me to undress and shower, while they watched. They then gave me clothes, and a cup of pills. Blank. I wake up eat, another cup of pills, blank. Again, someone waking me up, telling me where to sit to eat, this time I tongue the pills and spit them out, I needed to understand what was happening, no one was telling me, I could find out nothing, and was locked in a place where the bathrooms were covered in feces. I see people all around me neglected, broken, lost, pacing like caged lions. I make my way over to the locked door that was the access to the desk. I knock, ignored, I knock again and ask if someone could tell me what was happening, again nothing. Then I banged on the door loudly enough for them to open it, to tell me to be quiet, and I shoved the door open, and went straight to the desk where the main doctor was. I told him to release me. The rage once again burned, and the next thing I remember we are on the floor behind the desk, fighting like street fighters. I could not think, I could barely breath, I could just feel rage, see pain, and needed to understand. Blank.
Then my dear friend came with a suitcase of items for me, and then I was told I could leave. Blank.
The most recent lucid memories I have had are now just starting to come back. I collapsed from exhaustion, I am still dealing with flashbacks, and the pain of hurting someone terribly that I love. I have to deal with this now, and am still in a state of shock.
I am also writing this, because we must face the pain that humanity is experiencing. We cannot keep looking away until it gets better. Humanity is broken, it is in pain, it is full of rage. You must embrace the darkness, to see the light. Without it, everything is only halfway there. We are in pain, we are suffering, we need to share it, and heal.
We are not mad people living in a sane world, but a people going insane in a mad world.
Below is the text of the woman who was there for me the entire time, who helped me through this, and is why I am writing this today, and not having family arrange my funeral. Her version is translated from Portuguese, so it will be broken, and some parts difficult, however, it is the most important part. It explains all the negligence that happened between my scattered, and broken memory.
TEXT FROM MAR VELEZ
In this country hospitals and their protocols give license to commit suicide.I write this after having experienced some of the worst days of my life.
On Tuesday, one of the people I love most collapsed, became very aggressive and tried to commit suicide with several boxes of pills. This happened after she cut all of her hair off. I made one of the hardest decisions of all, realizing that the worst possible option, was the only option. I admitted that I was not qualified to deal with what was happening to her, and needed professional help; so I called the Paramedics. When they arrived, she was extremely violent with their attempts to place her in the ambulance, it took them 30 minutes, and restraints, to get her into the vehicle. She was not mentally present. When At Santo António Hospital, they had to restrain her, and then sedate her, as she was being extremely violent still, and had no control over herself.
The next day they transferred her to the psychiatric emergency room of the Hospital de São João.
I spoke to the psychiatrist and explained the situation. She was put on a stretcher in the hallway, from which she fell twice; because those stretchers are not safe.
When the effect of the sedative began to lose their affect at about 13h, she asked for help to go to the bathroom. I took her to the bathroom and after that she left the hospital through the front door. I made the mistake of not watching her , as a result of not sleeping the night before.
My mistake was to go back and ask for help, as I was told they could not do anything. The security personnel response was ” the hospital is not a prison .”
I tried to find her on the street, and in the crowd. I returned home, and called the police. They informed me that the hospital contacted them of her departure.
The following hours were complete panic. At 21hours, they called me from Hospital de SãoJoão to say that she had been found by the police, trying to commit suicide on the highway. The doctor that called, told me they had persuaded her to voluntarily admit herself to Magalhães Lemos, which is a Pshychiatric Ward.
I asked if someone was with her, they assured me that the two police officers who saved her would stay with her.
I rested, and when I woke up, I called the Magalhães Lemos, and they told me to take her personal items, and what the visitor hours were. At 14:30, I was there with her personal items. After I arrived, I saw her come to me, on her own accord. I was confused, how can they release an individual who just tried to commit suicide twice in the last 24 hours, without any professional support? I told the front desk that I would not make the mistake I made in Hospital de SãoJoão. I would not leave her alone, in case she wanted to leave.
Of course, she wanted to leave. Now sleeps on the bed, still under the effect of whatever they gave her. She is calm, but what about tomorrow?, what if she tries to commit suicide again.
What about all the other people that this psychiatric protocol killed until today?