The presidential candidate debate After-Shows sound like something you would hear on Entertainment Tonight or Extra or Access Hollywood. They’re like B List pundits commenting on the designer duds worn by the celebrities posturing in front of the cameras at the endlessly self-indulgent award shows. Critiquing the debate shows has become more like recapping the Oscars or the Grammys, except the presidential pretenders aren’t walking the red carpet.
“Hi Presidential Debate fans, this is Glibb Shallo reporting for Election 2016 from the Fed Carpet. The 17th debate between all 34 candidates – or is it the 34th debate between all 17 candidates? – has finally ended and our job is to misquote and overly simplify everything we think the contestants might have said so you won’t have to actually think for yourselves. Great, huh? So let’s start with our Deep Political Research Guru Max Prober.”
“Thank you, Glibb. First up was Donald Trump who just hasn’t sounded much like Leading Man material. Except in its December issue GQ magazine really really thought he was starting to ‘Sound Presidential.’ That’s really really important so, you know, who’s gonna argue with GQ? And remember how Ted Cruz kept complaining about the rules back during the Iowa Caucasians? But, hey, since politics is known as a “full contact sport” lets go to our Sports Commentary guy Mark Gameball…”
“Hey, Max, yeah, Cruz kept complaining about the rules back during the Ohiowa Debates. When the libertarian owner of the Dallas Mavericks Mark Cuban – who isn’t Cuban but Marco Rubio is Cuban – used to complain about the referee’s rulings the NBA fined him like a gazillion dollars. So maybe the GOP should fine Cruz, huh? But then Cruz went all defensive by whining that the other players just didn’t understand his positions. Ha! Like he’s not even a position player, man! And Christie! Every time Chris Christie was asked anything about any issue he just bashed everyone else. It was like he was playing bashketball; he was slam dunking and everyone else was just dribbling. But we don’t want to talk about any serious controversial stuff during a presidential campaign, right? So let’s go to our Feminista Fashionista, the lovely Blythe Ayrhead.”
Thanks Max. So why don’t we talk about the New Hampster Debates now? Wasn’t it ever so wonderful to see Jeb Bush nattily clad in black suite, white shirt and red tie by The Brothers Brooks while John Kasich – have we ever mentioned Kasich before? – was stylishly attired in Blue suit, white shirt and blue tie by Boris Von Badenov and Ben Carson was lounging in elegant black suit, blue shirt and red tie by Mellow, Laidback & Leisurely. And wasn’t Carly Fiorina simply scintillating in her black jacket, blue top and red neckerchief by Yves Saint Armani Versace?” Oh, wait, was Carly even there? Whatever. Back to you Glibb.”
“And there you have it, everything you public educated basement-dwelling nerdish Millennials never cared to hear about Republican or any other kind of politics. Coming up next: a special report from Insider Tabloid Star-Stalking Gossip-Gathering Columnist Spycee Skandahl with tidbits and trivia from the Bernie & Hillary Show!”
“Are we off now? Did anyone actually watch these debates? You, Ayrhead? Gameball? Naw, me neither. Oh wait, I think my mic is still…”