I’m breaking up with you and the reason is, you’re a flat earther. You actually believe that NASA is hiding evidence that the earth is flat. I can’t keep arguing with you about this. The earth is round. It’s spherical. I don’t care what the flat earth society’s web site says. No wait, as a matter of fact I do care what their web site says.
Five minutes into their frequently asked questions section and you would have to be a fool to accept this ignorant rejection of reality. Gravity isn’t real? GPS is a lie? The lunar eclipse is caused by an invisible anti-moon? Antarctica is actually a wall of ice that encircles the edges of the flat earth? Seriously?
I told you on our first date that I liked facts and stuff. This is your fault, not mine. We were at that place we went to and I said, ” Yeah, maybe there’s a giant man ape running around in the woods of the world, but the evidence that there isn’t one holds more weight.”.
I told you by our second drink that I was the kind of guy that needed to touch the UFO, I needed to be able to smell the Sasquatchs rotting corpse before I’d buy into it. I needed to see the indisputable proof that a secret shadow government was and has been planning to kill half the world’s population, because there’s too many of us.
Don’t you remember, we were slow dancing to that Billy Idol song, Eyes Without a Face, when I mentioned that one time in band camp when I hit that kid in the nose for telling everyone that a secret society of interdimensional lizard people were secretly overseeing our lives?
You said that you liked your men grounded in reality. You said you found my understanding of elementary science attractive. Then we kissed . Next thing I know, there are tampons in my bathroom, female razors on the side of my tub and a lingering smog of absurdity stinking up the place. This ends today!
I also think I should tell you, there is someone else. Her name is Reason. I met her at the library. She likes a lot of the same things as me. I enjoy gazing into the night sky through a telescope, she enjoys looking at the night sky through a telescope.
I enjoy learning about new scientific research, she likes learning about new scientific research. We were practically made for one another. Also, we’re both Gemini’s, so you know what that means and yes, it really is that good.
You’ll find that I have relocated all your crap to the front porch. Please take all of it on your way out of my life. I hope you find you some gullible chump that will fall for your moon landing hoax and your 911 theories. I hope he’s dumb enough to believe that Barack Obama was born in Kenya. Good luck finding someone who rejects logic and knowledge the way that I don’t.
I look forward to not living in fear that a runaway planet is going to destroy the earth. I will enjoy finally having someone to laugh with me at that Ancient Aliens show you love so much. I’m also cancelling the subscription to the National Enquirer you forced me to fund for you.
And, just so you know… The government isn’t poisoning the water supply or our vaccinations. The government isn’t using chemtrails to hide Niburu or cause cancer. White people did not invent AIDS to kill black people. Elvis is dead. Michael Jackson is too. We were not created by aliens to mine gold or for any other reason. The Antichrist will not force us to be implanted with RFID microchips.
Oh and one last thing, the US military can not control the weather and Bush did not use a hurricane machine to kill the black people living in New Orleans.
Leave my house key on the bookcase, in front of the Carl Sagan’s and please get your Trump sign off my lawn.