Yesterday I spent my day coaching 7 different young adults through completely different stages of their relationship development. All of them have proven to be tremendously capable in their chosen professional field. Even in the teetering tech market of Silicon Vally they’ve earned impressive merit based raises, gifted pricy vacations abroad with company funds, landed on prestigious lists like Forbes Top 30 under 30, deemed essential in corporate leadership, and set trends in the startup world of the San Francisco Bay Area. All of them are navigating the perilous task of determining who to invest in for a long term romantic partnership. These are people prone to approaching goals with a steely pace and scrupulous plan for a high success rate. Yet interpersonal relationship development and decision making doesn’t easily succumb to this style of problem solving. How does one successfully determine when to invest in relationship growth versus separation, especially in the face of elusive feelings like ‘attraction, chemistry and connection’? How much compatibility is enough? How much compromise is too much? This article aims to offer some guiding points to lead you in your decision towards continuing in the relationship or breaking things off with the hopes of finding a better fit.
- Predetermine what matters most in ANY sort of close, long term relationship. Do this exercise. Pretend you’re searching for a new platonic best friend, based on what has proven to be the most essential qualities you’ve enjoyed in other close friendships. Make a list of top 5 descriptive traits you believe would be most important for the friendship to be awesome. I asked people with various types of personalities to share this with me, in order to get a sense of what people prioritize when they decide to invest in growing a relationship. I was actually surprised by what some people said! (I won’t list any here because I think it’s more effective to create your list without external influences.) Now ask yourself ‘How can I find out if this person has enough of my 5 most valued traits? What will I look for? How long will it take? Does this person demonstrate these traits consistently with me as well as other key people in their life, or are they sporadic?’ Are the qualities on my list part of how I’ve identified and maintained ‘chemistry’ with people in the past? If you find yourself dating someone who doesn’t exhibit these qualities consistently with you, chances are it’s just not going to work.
- Is there considerable evidence that this person adds measurable value to your life right now? I ask this because many people decide to invest in relationships based on factors they believe will be valuable at some future point. Nothing is wrong with considering things like compatible achievement/financial goals, similar hypothetical timelines for marriage, or believing someone would make an amazing parent. The problem with this focus is that people lose track of evaluating how much they actually enjoy the relationship in the here and now. I can’t tell you how many people come into my office stating “my problem is that I tend to date two different kinds of people; one is super hot and we have great physical chemistry but not a lot in common/we can’t stand each other outside the bedroom, and the other one has a lot of what I want in a life partner but I’m just not as attracted to them physically.” Choices, choices people! Here’s the bottom line. If someone doesn’t currently hold your interest enough for you to exclusively focus on them on a day-to-day basis, chances are you’re going to be so focused on an upgrade it’s bound to fail! It does not matter that their potential is great, or the timing is off, etc. Move on. But accept this:
- THERE IS NO HOLY GRAIL of a partner. It doesn’t even matter how much of a catch you are (tragically!) Don’t believe me? Do this: find an older person who describes their early relationship as having exactly the experience you’ve always wanted- that feeling of butterflies and fireworks going off, sitting and daydreaming about when you get to spend time alone with them again, listening to them talk in awe of how amazing/intelligent/funny/interesting they are, doing stuff with them is so easy and fun, the physical attraction is there, ‘this is THE ONE’ feeling is there, the feeling is mutual, etc. etc. Even when this whole ‘madly in love’ experience remains unwavering for years between two people, they will STILL tell you that eventually the honeymoon phase does end (You’ve heard this before. Still, you long to be impervious to this truth, so you avoid it by chasing new honeymoons with different people). So this is when the hard work of committed relationship compromise begins, in order for you to enjoy the reality of a long-term relationship beyond the honeymoon phase.
Now if you’ve managed to make a connection with someone to even consider any of the above questions, you’re off to a decent start. These days in the dating world it’s a challenge to even get beyond the right swipe of a dating app, let alone past the cutting room floor of a first date/hang out session. Think about how you want to address the idea of investing in this next period of relationship evaluation.
- Clarify the deal of commitment. Even though these conversations are awkward, if avoid it you’ll have no idea if investing more of your time makes sense. First figure out what you want. Would you prefer if the two of you are only dating each other in this next phase? Or dating other people but sexually exclusive? Do you know if marriage is something they want for themselves, and if so, how soon do they imagine being ready for marriage?
Spend time thinking about where you are and are not willing to compromise. The other person may need more time to feel it out. Many people operate under the belief that “compatible” people start out wanting commitment changes to happen at exactly the same time. This couldn’t be further from the truth, some people just need more time to process their thoughts and feelings. It is your job however, to decide whether the discrepancies that exist between the two of you are just too big to establish and maintain a fulfilling relationship. How you ask?
- Notice the patterns that exist between you: Are routinely important habits in their life persistently difficult for you to bear? Do you see a feasible way for you to accept these things, even if they never change? Can you communicate while problem-solving without spiraling into attack or stonewalling mode with each other? Do you set each other off in consistently destructive ways? Is the emotional toll of engaging in this relationship negatively impacting other important areas of your life such as your ability to work effectively in your chosen path? Are you able to maintain the relationships you’ve determined are important to you while you’re dating this person?
- Make a clear decision about the relationship for a specific period of time and execute towards that plan, rather than spending days or even months going back and forth about whether to stay in the relationship. ‘Should I end this relationship? Yesterday I struggled with thinking I should, but today I feel like I want to make things work.’ This type of deliberation can be paralyzing and spiral into even bigger problems, like anxiety and depression, which exacerbate the situation. You’re not going to move forward in either your relationship or personally if you remain plagued with indecisiveness. By not committing to a concrete plan, you are not actively working to gain resolution. The irony of staying in a relationship with one foot out the door is that you neither benefit from the comfort of intimacy nor gain the necessary closure for moving on with your life.
- Accept that even the happiest couples have perpetual problems. Manage conflict with the understanding that not all problems can be permanently solved. If I learned anything from studying the work of John Gottman (the leading expert on marital stability and relationship analysis through scientific direct observations) it was this- you are setting yourself up for failure if you approach all your relationship problems with the expectation of permanent resolution. Perpetual problems stem from fundamental differences in your personalities or lifestyle habits, and can lead to gridlock when attempts to communicate and compromise fail.
- Learn to practice effective conflict management. Enlist emotional intelligence skills and aim to avoid toxic communication styles. Create a system of shared meaning in your relationship that fosters collaboration and friendship in order to bypass power struggles. What matters is not solving perpetual problems, but establishing a dialogue that communicates acceptance of your partner with humor, affection, and even amusement, to actively cope with the unresolvable problem without it tearing down the relationship.
If all else fails, seek professional help to help you figure out how to effectively invest the time and effort necessary for building and maintaining a healthy relationship. Work through your breakup story if that’s the route you take, but move on so you can benefit from the invaluable rewards of love and intimacy.
Dr. Christina Villarreal is a mental health expert, executive coach/consultant and educator practicing in the San Francisco Bay Area, CA. For professional inquiries please visit her website at www.drchristinavillarreal.com