People Magazine says Feb. 18 is National Drink Wine Day–so swirl, nose, swish, sip, repeat! What’s in your glass at wine o’clock? Did you know your wine profile tells your personality type? It can even predict your future. Forget Rorschach, tarot and tea leaves. Forget palm reading and Peter Answers. Here’s your wino horoscope. because as the Latin said so well “‘In vino veritas.” The wino horoscope starts at teetotaler and moves down the dryness scale to dragon blood.
Teetotaler: You are complex. You avoid strong drink, but it isn’t always for the reasons that you tell people. You are deeper person than you let on. Basically, you don’t trust yourself and sometimes don’t listen to your own inner wisdom. Fear is your ruling passion. Your spirit animal is the mouse.
At the top of the sweetness chart is Lambrusco. This red wine is so sugary that it’s used in 7-11 Slurpees. If you like Lambrusco, this means that you non-confrontational. You’d rather light than fight. You want to be thought a wine enthusiast but don’t want the commitment of a good dry red wine hangover. In a debate you’re the first to suggest you agree to disagree. The perfect occupation for you is a diplomat. Your ruling passion is passivity. Ice wine, made from frozen grapes is similar to Lambrusco and Moscato is the white wine (or pink, shudder) counterpart.
With white Zinfandel or Grenache, you’re starting to get just a hint of fruit, a taste of risque. And that’s your personality–you’re hiding something in the closet. You long to be a naughty but need safe naughty. You don’t want anyone to know about your more outre tendencies. You could be a lot of fun at a party, but alas no one will ever know. That ultra conservative superego will never let you enjoy yourself in anything less tame than the occasional white zin. You have a future as an author of romance novels. Diffidence is your ruling passion.
Pinot Grigio is a lame white wine with fancy name. It promises sexy but delivers bland. It teases, and then backs off in prudish reticence. Or maybe it’s just too lazy to bother. Lazy is the definitive word for this white wine. Occupation would be Hollywood celebrity.
Drink Chardonnay and you’re beginning to play the big league. Chardonnay perches between semi-dry red wine and a dry white wine in a nice juxtaposition. Your Chardonnay wino horoscope says you’re strong, idealistic, resolute and intelligent. You don’t schmooz bu you also don’t back down. You can see life on the wild red wine side of the fence–blowouts, staggering, table dances in lampshades but stay sensibly on the safe white wine side. You have to admire Chardonnay drinkers. Ideally they’d be the perfect politician, but they usually end up philanthropists or teachers. Integrity is the ruling passion.
Pinot Noir is like the tricksters in mythology: Loki, Hermes, Mercury. It’s the Anansi of wines–it’s devious and can go either way. Pinot Noir can be deliciously fruity or blah. Like baby sister Pinot Grigio, Pinot Noir is a slacker. But it’s also a grownup dry red wine and should know better. So it’s an adult child. Your horoscope calls for a job with the circus but usually ends up being a politician. Your passion is unreliability.
Red Merlot is a brother but only a half-blood. It has the personality of the big Kahunas, but lack breeding. It was born on the wrong side of the blankets. Merlot is nouveau riche and has the attitude to prove it. Merlot “coulda been something” if resentment didn’t get in the way. But Merlot can still be something when it plays nice with others, like in Apothic or Menage a Trois. Those are good options for National Drink Wine Day. Ruling passions are ruthlessness and resentment.
Cabernet Sauvignon is the opposite of Red Merlot in many ways. It’s got the title without the money to support it. It’s nose is in the air and it’s blood is blue. But it doesn’t amount to as much because wine drinkers expect more and Cab Sauv tends to rest on its laurels. Its future is unsure. It could be something but it will have to work harder. Ruling passion is pride. This is probably the most reliable vintage for red wine newbs on National Drink Wine Day.
Burgundy is the genuine article. Old Etonian. The right stuff. It’s resting on its laurels too and why shouldn’t it? It deserve to. Quite right. But if burgundy isn’t careful, it’ll be swept away by a new generation of doers and achievers. Horoscope says: Again, fate uncertain–remain safe or join the fight? Ruling passion is stability.
Shiraz or Petite Syrah are not in any league that anyone else plays in. They march to another drum beat–ancient, primeval and oriental. No one has any idea what to expect but it’s always definitive. Now take all that awesomeness up 10 steps and you’ll have Chilean Carmenere–which is poetry with a cork. Carmenere is mystical and egotistical. It’s an oracle, a prophet, it’s all times and all places. Cue Led Zeppelin “Kashmir,” raise your glass to National Drink Wine Day and hope that Shiraz is in it!
There are other wines to try on National Drink Wine Day–tempranillo, port, Madeira, Sangiovese (chianti), chablis, rose, gewurtztraminer, Sauvignon Blanc. These listed are the most commonly found.