The sarcasm and bad ass attitude. One day you look yourself in the mirror and you say, ”I cannot take it one more day.” You see all the pits, scars, and bruises, places where the spackling has been patched and may be coming off. You can’t see yourself any more. All of the slathering of hairspray, lipstick and leather jacket isn’t covering it up any more.
“Living in your head without anything to numb you.” -Sia
One day you just say self you gotta’ turn around and face it. You have to turn around and stare that person right in the face and tell them no more. I’m done covering up for you. I’m done being your door mat. I’m done with all the goop it took to break my back and still yet I went on as if nothing was wrong. The broke back was painted over, furniture, blankets on top of blankets, got moved in front of it. Shits and grins. Years and decades of it. What the hell happened where do I go, whose life is it any way?
Damage detail is off. Maybe it is more than one person. Self, “I’m not covering for them and operating on automatic pilot to deal with the burden of their nastys anymore. The stuff isn’t mine to begin with. It never was. Here it’s all yours take it all back. I’m done,” and your turn around and walk away. The chips will fall where they fall. The old lumps of dry wall and painted over shit on top of shit will fall to the floor over the next few days and maybe weeks. But it is done. Sweet child o’ mine has left the building. If you thought I came out swinging before just wait, just you wait and see. I’m not your goat, not your narcissist rug, freaking wall-to-wall carpet anymore.”
Not my monkeys and it never was my circus? The drum stops beating slowly right here. And you take your life back. All of it. You are in recovery mode now. You walk around and pick up all the crumbles and tid bits of you and uncover all of the broke parts. You recover all of your life and time back from all of the energy it took for you to pretend that all right every day, every minute you spent of your life. There will be huge gaps of life you recover, moments, precious few and days of sweet time. Holes in the mirror, in time that you get all back. Tim McGraws song comes to mind, “I went sky diving I went rocky mountain climbin.” Like you were dying, you lived. And you lay your burdens down by the riverside because you ain’t gonna’ study war no more.
You can stand up straight and dust yourself off. It might take some time to get used to not having all that burden on your back. It will take time to get used to standing upright for some while others will shed it and run. This is where the healing begins. You pick up your pieces and kiss them tenderly, recover them, lick them and love them back into place. Some pieces won’t be coming back. You are kind, you are good, and you may be different.
What is it you are surrendering for, your free will. You are telling ego I am not doing this anymore just so that I look good in the eyes of others. This is not my bag. I am not comfortable doing it and my higher being is saying no. It’s stopping all of the madness seriously for what is a better way a right connection. There is no more riding in pain on the fence trying to make a decision that is correct for you. You know and you act. No one is going to guilt you into doing their will any more. You are keeping your power for you. You may just be that all right with yourself in the world enough to say all that junk doesn’t make me who I am. It doesn’t make me who I am in my eyes, in the universes eyes, and certainly not in everyone else’s eyes. I’m all right with me and my way of being.
The higher road. It does not mean you do not love any more. If anything it means you are freer to love and you have more space to love unconditionally this time. The little girl who was hiding has grown up while she was behind that door, underneath everyone’s trash. You are pretty, you are sweet, you deserve better.
“De-deranged we all been through some shit.” -Violent Femmes“
Transcending crap. You start to make your choices consciously, the silent witnessing awareness, when you realize you are the one witness. It’s all on you. “Evolving into responsibility for your right action. To surrender to the will of God, to be so grounded in this evolutionary action making just the right choices for you.” -Deepak Chopra. Responsibility sounds like a scary word for everyone operating on automatic pilot and for folks who fear answering to those people around you who have controlled you and had their grip on you all of this time. Your free will is putting your into a place where you have more choices, infinite possibilities for your life. Up until now you may have felt stuck and keeping it on the down low and praying your life off for your life to get better. “You do not have to live in the same choiceless awareness. This is “Thy will be done.” -Deepak Chopra