If Donald Trump was a superhero, he’d be a really crappy one, like Plastic Man or even worse, Inspector Gadget. A rich and arrogant billionaire by day but at night, he emerges from his overly bragged about “secret” golden lair, to fight illegal immigration. He flies to the border on his ultra visible jet to combat the throngs of rapists trying to sneak into America. His arch-enemy, Mexico, is sending its worst citizens here to work Trump’s casinos, I mean steal American jobs. He alone can save us from the Chinese Muslims who are probably being sent here by the Japanese refugees of ISIS to laugh at our inferior leaders.
With his tentacle like hair he physically restrains small children when he catches them crossing the border. For the tougher more adult Hispanics that might be able to slap the spray tan off his wrinkled face, the Trump releases that one security guy that we’ve seen on TV for almost a year now, you know, the one that looks like a creepier pedophile version of Lurch.
The Trump doesn’t have the body for the typical, spandex type costume, so he eats, sleeps and poops in a business suit. He does of course wear a gold sequins cape emblazoned with a giant white diamond T. He also has a high-tech pair of gloves that make his hands appear to be the size of a normal man’s hand’s. They also shoot out coupons for Trump resort package deals with lethal accuracy. He’s got the best deals.
Where Batman is a brooding genius, using super computers and technology to solve crimes, the Trump uses Twitter to wage war against female journalists. “I know words, I have the best words!”, he calls out from the roof of Trump Towers. His fingers peck like electronic chickens across his iPhone, Tweeting insults at overweight celebrities and pestering pundits with their unfair gotcha questions. He is an internut who has bravely battled FOX News, crippled reporters and even little old ladies with property that got in his way.
DC Comics owns rights to the Black Canary. You may remember her using that signature sonic scream to save the day on almost every occasion. The Trump also has a sonic ability. The sonic whine.
When the Trump doesn’t get the Trump’s way, he unleashes the sonic whine, which he calls the sound of winning. The whine is auditory torture causing most victims to relent and give the Trump what it wants. Behold, the Trump declared to his foes at CNN, “I do whine because I want to win and I’m not happy about not winning, and I am a whiner and I keep whining and whining until I win.”
The Trump sucks at hand to hand combat, even with his super hero gloves, but villains should take note, his lawyers are the best that there ever was. He will have you served with legal papers and sue you in court faster than a runaway Trump train.
For the part of the population that hasn’t been fooled by the many flip-flops and lies from the Trump campaign, we wish this candidacy had the one thing every comic book shares, a well placed ending.