After breaking up it is a crunchy yet soggy time. The heart wants what it wants but the who you thought was the love of your life, well their heart has other ideas entirely. It is a time when this grey rain cloudy funk settles in between your shoulder blades and just like fungus you gotta’ open up the windows and let the sun shine in and air it out. Sooner or later the fungus clears up and then you just need to take some bleach or Clorox stain remover to remove the dull coloration.
Like a flood in your house, it takes time for the water to move up the walls and seep into every nook and corner. That dirty water is going to move into every room of your house of holy and get everything you own wet. Things you forgot you owned, your precious items and even in the areas that were freshly seeded and plowed for the new seedlings to come. You can’t stop the waters from rising, you can run but you can’t hide from it. You might think you are prepared in some instances and feel your wall of sand bags is going to hold it all back but it never does. And who knows how long the mighty waters will hold up in there and all around you. You can’t make flood water leave especially when it keeps raining. You just have to wait it out and make the best of it until Mother Nature says so.
Dive deeply. Maybe you go and stay with a friend or family while you wait it out. Sometimes you are rescued by a helicopter or boat by official rescuers firemen or volunteers, sometimes you are rescued by strangers you don’t even know, they might have a little boat, they might carry you out. You might have to get yourself out and save your life, maybe you have a boat, maybe you need to walk, maybe you know Batman personally. Don’t stop breathing it is a sign you are still alive and the blood of life is still rich with sediment and dirt. The waters will recede again and with it it’s going to’ take some things with it that you thought meant the world to you. Somethings that don’t wash away are going to be ruined and you have to get rid of it. Most all things when touched by the flooded waters need to be thrown out because of the muck and bacteria that comes with it.
When you come back you won’t even recognize it. The building may be still standing but the inside is completely weathered and beaten. In some cases when you come back the building is nowhere to be seen. It could have washed away down farther into the neighbor’s property or it can be collapsed in a heap on yours. It is not going to be a pretty sight and there will be work that needs to be done to get you back on the map again. The only thing that will make it better is that time and space between you and it.
Time and space you are going to need and use wisely and sometimes recklessly in full blown chaos to clean it out and make it safe for living again. There will be some crying, a lot of crying, dancing, laughter, picking up sticks, taking out garbage to the dumpsters the county brings in, there will be stuff you look at and ponder over the memories and then pitch it. There will be stuff you pick up right away that will have some good memories but it is so funkified by all the muddy waters and tossing’ around you will know without thinking about it, without a second glance and to throw it out. Sweeping, washing, soapy water, you will needs some boots; you will need to maybe even throw the clothes away you wore to clean it all up. You might need a bulldozer, and some professional help along with some help from your friends.
You might even still have some dirty water left in places after the waters go back to where they came from. You will have to walk through it, fall down in it, and find a way to dislodge it and get it out of there. You might have to get down on your knees in it and wipe it up and scrub it. You are going to need some new drywall all the way around. That is one good feeling. Something borrowed and something new is not just for weddings any more. A new hairdo, new dress, shoes, cumberbun and especially swift tie. That is how you know you are feeling sane again. Because when you start buying things right away when you are still standing in all that flood water, it doesn’t make any sense. You might where it you might give it away, you might just use it to clean up with. But in time when you feel like wearing colors again and planting flowers in the garden and getting out the rake those are good signs.
You will put up some curtains again and keeping the peeping and gossip out. What was once out there for everyone to see, your sadness, will be left in a box in the basement in a closet. In the meantime wear it and don’t be afraid to wear it well. Use it all up. You will changes clothes again and wash your hair. You will trade in those old boots you wore to the flood for something wiser, stronger, and lovelier.
Do not compare yourself to others during this time. It will only make you suffer more. Everything in time and your time to heal and swim, and live with the mermaids may be longer or shorter then someone else’s. Your crazy isn’t going to look like someone else’s crazy. Your sadness and heartache, well everyone’s hurts to the pit of their soul.
By crazy I mean, I mean work. There is always work to be done, lessons to be learned, and dishes to do. To me that is crazy having to clean up all the time. But cleanliness is next to Godliness, and I do like it clean. In the end you come home to you, you sleep with you, and it is your voice you hear in your head. Not always but if you are lucky you will develop and learn to keep those other voices, from those other people out of there entirely. The shorts gasps of air that you used to breathe and swallow hard for in between your cries and cleaning, will get longer. You will breathe naturally again. You will start to look up more from your shoes to meet the horizon and folks. You will come to remember that ice cream is not just for the pain of it.
You will be able to watch Eat, Love, Pray again and see all that pain is behind you now instead of wondering when the all of the damn work was going to end. You will be able to see that you are not just a waste of space but that the sun does shine. Not only does it shine it comes up every single morning inside your Being. That black mothra shadow that has been hanging out over you and behind you all of this time was your higher self. She has been there for you all along. Not to be ignored and never to be lost from, but to be praised and loved. You were never alone, never. Your house of the holy, it shinier than ever, like the curvatures, the pillars, and the ornamental decoration inside of the Taj Mahal, from the inside out.