Anticipating Cruz Victory In Texas, Donald Trump
Uses Eminent Domain To Take Over Entire State
Announcement of Venture Partnership with Hugh Hefner
To Build Statewide Co-Branded Theme Park Follows
February 24, 2016
AUSTIN, TX—Following Tuesday’s landslide victory in the Nevada Caucuses, billionaire Presidential Candidate Donald J. Trump made a stop in Texas on Wednesday to announce the latest gambit in his bid to win the Presidency. In a deal brokered with federal officials, Mr. Trump arranged to take over the State of Texas for the public benefit, making the case that any state willing to support Senator Ted Cruz was “nasty, stupid, and should probably go back to Mexico where it came from.”
“The State of Texas is a yuge opportunity!” Trump said. “I get to show the American people another great example of how I make deals, really good deals. This also means that I will not possibly not win Texas. I win, and when I am President, Americans will win. Not only that, but once I win this election, this will be a winning business deal, because I am proud to announce that I am partnering with the great Hugh Hefner to create the newest theme park attraction in America. In keeping with the Texas legacy of ranching, the new park will be called ‘Bunny Ranch 2.0: Everything’s Bigger In Texas.’”
In keeping with the pioneering theme of his campaign, this is the first time eminent domain has been used to take over an entire state, the first time it has been used to directly block a political opponent from gaining delegates, and the first time a state flag has been changed to include the same tag sewn to the back of the new owner’s designer neckties. While legal challenges are expected to come from all angles, a Trump spokesperson said they were confident that the candidate’s winning negotiation skills would result in a winning ruling for their winning strategy.
Texas Governor Gregg Abbott issued the following statement just hours later. “The State of Texas has long been entrenched in a battle over the rights of states to self govern, as instructed in the United States Constitution. While our Senator Ted Cruz has been leading many of these protracted efforts in Washington, we never thought that the heavy hand of government would befall our state so soon, or so hard. Alas, a recent Republican convert decided to call in a few decades of donations to Democrats who resent the Tenth Amendment and especially the independent spirit that makes Texans a great and determined people, and commandeer our state for the mutual benefit of his campaign and his admittedly well branded chain of luxury hotels, casinos, and theme parks. While the federal government may have abandoned us, Texans will not go quietly into the night. We challenge Mr. Trump to remember the Alamo, if he ever knew what it was in the first place.”
The federal role in this case is most intriguing, as this is clearly the latest in an unprecedented string of land-grab controversies around the United States. High profile cases in Nevada, Oregon, and even Texas are now being discussed as trial runs as the Feds considered the logistics of taking over a well armed state, with millions of people, self sufficient resources, and a historical will to fight. This announcement has also rekindled discussion about the true nature of the Jade Helm 15 military exercises that recently took place in Texas.
President Obama, asked for comment on the Federal government’s cooperation with Mr. Trump, offered the following, “Let me be clear, the use of eminent domain to take over the State of Texas is definitely in the best interest of the American public. As an alternative to the public danger of allowing Texans to do things like voting, this new theme park will be a great cultural experience for all people in our nation for decades to come. The gap between Texans and non-Texans was growing far too quickly, and I applaud Mr. Trump for this innovative idea that not only knocks that extremist Ted Cruz out of the running, but also puts 38 electoral votes back into play. The Federal Government does anticipate some resistance from Texans, which is why we conducted extensive military drills preparing for martial law over the summer of 2015.”
Features of the theme park include such thrilling areas as “Camp Corpus Christi,” a beach themed childrens’ play area with large jungle gym structures fashioned from the existing skyline, submarine rides, and the world’s largest Whataburger playground. The Houston area will become “Refinery Rush,” a pipeline themed waterslide park, and featured rides around the park will include “Dangerous Dallas Express,” “San Antonio Speed Demon,” “Austin Autobahn,” “The Lubbock Locomotive,” and “Wacko Waco.”
Opening day is scheduled for the first Tuesday in November of 2020. For more information visit Trump2016.com